February 17, 2005 :: 11:12 p.m.
with a little help from my friends?
I was kind of snippy with Adam on the phone and I feel bad about it. It wasn't intentional. I wasn't mad at him. Talking on the phone is not my favorite thing as a rule - I find it somewhat awkward, but maybe that's just me). But I do very much enjoy talking to him every day, since I don't get to see him that much. It's just that sometimes it seems pointless because half the time he doesn't really do much talking. I don't know if he just doesn't have anything to say to me or what, but it does push me into that annoyed state where I'm just like, "Dude, do you even
want to be on the phone right now?" Hearing "I love you" is wonderful, but it shouldn't comprise the bulk of the conversation unless the conversation is 10 seconds long. You know?
My general state of mind today wasn't the greatest, either, and I'm sure that had an affect. I've met some great people here, and by all rights I actually have made some friends. And they're wonderful, don't get me wrong. Deb and Cassie and Justin are awesome and I'm very glad my life has intersected with theirs. But despite it all I've been feeling very lonely. I'm not spectacular with the social skills, and I don't make friends that easily. People seem surprised to hear that, because I guess I generally seem fairly pleasant, but the truth is that people I do not know scare the hell out of it. It's an intimidation thing. Which in turn is a complete lack of self-esteem thing. It's annoying, but it's true. And even when I do manage to establish a friendly rapport with someone, turning that into an actual friendship is nigh on impossible. There are people at school who I talk to and who I would genuinely like to hang out with and get to know further, but I have absolutely no idea how to turn a friendly acquaintance into a real live friend. And then - and then! - when I do somehow manage to wade through the muck of my awkward social ineptitude and establish a viable friendship, I never see them because my basic nature makes me incompatible with the college social scene that everyone but me operates in.
I swear to god it's like banging my head up against a brick wall, realizing it hurts, but doing it again anyway because maybe next time it'll feel pretty sweet or I'll bleed gold nuggets or something.
The thing that I wonder is, if this is just how I am - if this odd solitariness is hard-wired into me - then why does it bother me so much? I'm not a math genius, but it doesn't bother me that I can't figure the square root of 11,742 off the top of my head. I don't like mushrooms, but I don't go around eating them all the time anyway because I really really want to like mushrooms and maybe one of these times I'll find them a tasty treat instead of slimy and fungusy and disgusting. So why?
But that's a stupid question. The desire for friendship is on a completely different level than food preference or natural talent or the lack thereof. It's a basic human thing. A basic human thing that I basically suck at. Which is not big with the confidence-boosting, I have to say.
Lately it's just like I'm this big loser outcast who is hardly worth associating with because I don't get drunk and high and party all the time. And frankly I have no desire to get drunk and high and party all the time, but since that seems to be the primary form of entertainment for everyone around me I end up feeling very left out. Deb and Cassie and Justin are always at some party or drinking at someone's house, and I'm always sitting at home alone trying to lose myself in bad TV. (Which does not work, by the way. At all.) And I realize now that this probably sounds terribly angsty, but I'm not all "woe is me and my sobbing lonely heart" about it. I've had plenty of experience with being friendless. Again, not angst, just fact. I have historically been the loner type, and am very used to entertaining myself. And most of the time I can deal with that. I enjoy my own company. But there are times when I'd like others to enjoy my company as well, you know? And apparently I'm not proving very enjoyable.
Yeah. This whole thing was supposed to be sort of cathartic - getting it all out into words and whatnot - but really it's just sort of depressing. So I'm going to go drink some chocolate soy milk and do something to take my mind off the fact that I suck at life.
'Til whenever.
back & forth
Wait, there's more!
I like pina coladas - March 30, 2005
must... finish... projects... - March 22, 2005
Mr. Postman delivers the good stuff - March 18, 2005
when everything is bad - March 16, 2005
of fruits and menstruation - March 15, 2005