February 21, 2004 :: 1:38 p.m.
college is sucking my soul out through my mouth
I've decided that I need to be more experimental with my food choices, because I'm getting into an awful rut, eating the same things day in and day out. So yesterday I made a slight variation on the Indian Potato Pancakes from the Low-Fat Moosewood cookbook that Mason got me for christmas - can I just say YUM? And apparently I spit in the face of Jewish tradition by melting cheese on them and dipping them in ketchup. Ha. Sorry, I've never liked the applesauce thing. And we didn't have any, anyway.
Today, in keeping with the Eat New Things! campaign, I made saut�ed bananas with raisins and cinnamon. I've always thought that fried/saut�ed bananas would be really good, but alas, no. I ate it anyway, because by that point I didn't feel like making anything else, but... yech. I won't be doing that again. I don't much care for bananas in their natural state - they're mushy, and I have a thing about food texture. I love banana-flavored things, but plain bananas just don't do it for me. And when saut�ed, they just get mushier. It was terribly unpleasant. Warm raisins are surprisingly good, though. At least I learned that much.
So, here is what I should be doing right now: painting an ink wash still life, working on a story for Creative Writing, cleaning my bedroom, looking for a job. Instead, I am doing the following: writing in my online journal, playing BookWorm, browsing DeviantArt.
In short, I suck and will never, ever get anything done. You know, it's just the most inspiring feeling - knowing that you're going to amount to nothing. Really makes a person want to try.
Yeah, I'm feeling rather craptastic today. I don't know why. Well, no, actually I do know why. Not that it helps at all. Knowing why never actually does any good when it comes to banishing said feelings.
There's so much to get done... I have to draw some decent things to put in my portfolio, mat everything that will be in said portfolio, fill out applications and paperwork... argh. I hate school. And really, that's the problem. I hate college. I think it's really very stupid. I think it's insulting that you need to spend 4 years and tens of thousands of dollars to get a piece of paper before you're considered "worthy" or "intelligent" or suitable for employment. No one actually uses their damn degree for its intended purpose anyway - so why is it so important? Because it makes you a well-rounded person? I hate the well-rounded bullshit. Taking a bunch of classes that either have nothing to do with my major or that I hate with a passion and have no interest in is not going to round me out. It's just going to make me cranky. And if I hate college so much, why am I there? Why can't I just say, "fuck it!" and strike out on my own?
Well, that's also very simple. Because I'm afraid of failing, and being in school and getting a degree is a sort of safety net. Also, it's almost become a point to prove now - that I can actually do it. No one in my family, save for my dad, has ever been in college. So it's a matter of pride, and fear, and a little bit of conforming in the hopes that it'll get me what everyone else has. And really, I dislike myself for going along with it just as much as I dislike the situation itself. And now I'm trying to apply to this art school, because it's supposed to be what I want to do, but the enthusiasm just isn't there. The motivation is also missing, but that's pretty historically accurate. I've never been very motivated. It's kind of a depressing trait.
Anyway, Adam is on his way over, so I must go make myself look decent. Or at least, you know... oh, who am I kidding? I'm not going to prepare. I'm showered and dressed and that's about all I do. Gah. I'm so bad at being a girl.
back & forth
Wait, there's more!
I like pina coladas - March 30, 2005
must... finish... projects... - March 22, 2005
Mr. Postman delivers the good stuff - March 18, 2005
when everything is bad - March 16, 2005
of fruits and menstruation - March 15, 2005