March 11, 2005 :: 12:14 a.m.
my lips hurt real bad
So I got a call from the manager at the Salvation Army this morning. At 8 o' clock. A mere 4 hours after I'd finally fallen asleep. I was not pleased. I was even less pleased when it turned out that I couldn't even take the job she called about - Wednesdays were pretty mandatory, and Wednesdays don't work for me. The whole "school" thing. You know how it is. The thing is, I very clearly had Wednesdays marked as a not available on my application. So WTF? Seriously.
It took me forever to fall back asleep after that, and I only ended up getting about two hours anyway. Suck.
I'm feeling particularly fat today, which is also The Suck. Unfortunately, it's also The True. I've not been eating so well. Case in point: there are two bags of potato chips in my kitchen. I never buy chips because they're like crack. I eat one, and then suddenly it's 10 minutes later and I've stuffed half the bag down my throat. But I bought some on a whim a while ago, because I was craving them and then they were right there, and on sale, too... and they were yummy. But then I bought more. And today I bought them again. It's making me really angry, because as much as I want to I can't seem to stick to my guns when it comes to eating well. And It's completely illogical, which makes it all the more irritating. I gave up meat 9 years ago. One day I ate it and then the next day I didn't. No weaning. No doubts. I wanted to do it, so I did. And I haven't looked back, obviously. And then about 3 months ago I dropped all the other animal products, including cheese. My beloved cheese. And I haven't given a thought to any of it since then. So this pattern would indicate that when I make dietary changes, I do it quick and clean. Cold tofu, if you will ('cause I like my turkeys alive and comfortably warm). But I can't seem to do that here.
Perhaps it's the lack of passion. I don't eat animals or their products for a lot of reasons. I don't think it's necessary. I don't think it's particularly healthy. Modern factory farms are nothing less than horror shows that treat animals like products rather than living, feeling creatures and I refuse to be a part of that. But mostly I just love animals too much to cause them suffering, and that's enough for me to leave the chicken fingers and cheese quesadillas behind. There's no question of whether or not I'll stick with it, because for me there is no other option. But as much as I'm unhappy with how I look, it doesn't seem to be enough. There's no fire there. No conviction. I'm healthy despite my weight, so that's not so much a factor. It's all about appearance, and above that, about self-esteem. It's about feeling good when I look in the mirror. But that's not enough for me, apparently. Why isn't that enough?
Ugh. It's freezing in here. As always. I'm seriously getting boned when it comes to heating this fucking apartment. But right now I don't give a crap (even though I totally do), because I'm going to put on my PJs and get under a million blankets and start a new book. And possibly have some peppermint tea, because that would be pretty awesome right now. I love me some peppermint tea.
Goodnight, all.
back & forth
Wait, there's more!
I like pina coladas - March 30, 2005
must... finish... projects... - March 22, 2005
Mr. Postman delivers the good stuff - March 18, 2005
when everything is bad - March 16, 2005
of fruits and menstruation - March 15, 2005