March 13, 2003 :: 11:30 p.m.
I have been kissed between the ears with human error
I'm drinking soda. I do not know why, but I am. I don't really care for soda - it makes me tummy-achy, and the carbonation makes my nose feel like it's going to implode. Also, it had a bazillion calories. Not that I seem to care much about that anymore, what with the eating and eating and eating and thus gaining weight thing. But that's another matter entirely, so let's not dwell. Bottom line: I don't like soda. And yet sometimes, seemingly out of the blue, I'm struck by the urge to pour myself a tall glass of carbonated badness. Right now that urge is being satisfied with Vanilla Coke, which is just nine kinds of gross. I like Coke with real vanilla syrup, like I used to make for myself at Friendly's, but this stuff isn't even remotely similar. It's all chemical-tasting and nasty and... ick. But I'm drinking it anyway, because I am a strange and incomprehensible creature, rarely seen in the wild.
It's cold down here. BUT. I now know where the thermostat resides, thanks entirely to Adam's incredible observance. Not that one would need to be observant in any way to find this thing - it's on the wall directly in front of my computer. I'm so stupid.
Today has been very boring and unproductive - surprise, surprise. Tomorrow is Friday, and I haven't gotten a damn thing done. I have two things to do for 2-D Design and a very daunting paper to write for English, and I haven't given any of it a bit of thought. The English paper is only daunting because I have to choose a topic on which to write my final research paper, decide which type of argument would do it justice, and then write about why. I don't like picking topics like that. I'm much, much too indecisive. And this whole research paper thing is just beating my brain down into a bloody little pile of mush. I have to give an oral presentation! Fuck me. I regret taking Dr. Pettice's class with all of my heart and soul. She's an awesome woman and I like her a lot, but she's the only professor who teaches the class this way. And I am not enjoying it at all. GRRR.
Not that I'm enjoying anything at school very much this semester. It's amazing, really. I never expected to love LVC; in all honestly, I expected to dislike it quite a bit. But I went anyway, because Adam was there and it seemed like the easiest thing to do at the time. I never imagined that it could make my more miserable than just about anything, ever. I literally start to cry when I think about going back. It's somewhat pathetic, really. I only have about two months left, but two months is a long fucking time when you're spending it someplace where absolutely everything makes you miserable. Well, no. Not everything makes me miserable. I like the ducks and the swans and all the other birds. I like the Natural Food Store. I like Mama's. I like MJ's and The Allen, even though I never go there. I like taking walks at night and not being freaked out and paranoid about people popping out of the bushes and murdering me. I like the sense of familiarity that it has. I love having Adam right upstairs, being able to run up and visit him whenever I want to. But the list of things that make me want to bash my head into the cinderblock walls of my crappy little dorm room until my skull cracks and I die is miles longer, and unfortunately outweighs the good things by so much that they almost don't matter anymore.
The worst part is that I feel like every moment spent there is a waste of money and time. I'm not getting anything out of it, academically. I'm almost ashamed to say that I've spent nearly a year at what is supposed to be a pretty good liberal arts school and I haven't learned jack. I've only had one class that I've enjoyed at all - Intro to Anthro, which managed to keep me alert and interested at 8 o' clock in the morning. But most of what I learned in that class I already knew from my high school Anthro class, and the rest, while admittedly very interesting, is very small in comparison to the huge amount of hours I've spent learning absolutely nothing. English has taught me that I write well, something which I have been aware of for quite a long time. Statistics taught me that people with headaches can get second and third headaches on top of the originals. French taught me that I should, in theory, be very good at learning new languages (I got a really high score on that "ayhaw," "ayhauw," "ayhoi" test that we had to take in... middle school, I think), I do not have the drive or dedication to learn them correctly. However, I still had the highest grade in the class, because apparently the vast majority of my peers are FUCKING MORONS. I could continue, but I think you get where I'm going with this.
As such... my motivation to do anything at all is beyond waning. It's completely gone. Attention visitors, Amanda's motivation has left the building. I don't even think it exists in this universe any longer. I just don't see the point anymore, you know? I'm not going back there next semester. There's a very good chance that I won't be going anywhere ever again, let alone as soon as this coming fall. So why bother? Why does it matter? As far as I can tell, it doesn't. And while things that don't matter in the least have a way of clogging my head and making me crazy, actually convincing myself to physically do things in the name of something that doesn't matter is just... well, it usually doesn't happen. I'm really very surprised that I've make it this far without sending out big, fat "Fuck You Very Much" letters to every authority figure at the school (save for Dr. Pettice, of course, and my Anthro professor) and taking my ass home. The only reason I haven't is the same reason I applied in the first place: Adam. It's always Adam. Makes sense, since he's the only thing I really give a damn about anymore. The only human thing, anyway. He's the reason I'm going to drag myself back there on Sunday and go through two more months of brain-sucking hell. I'd rather be there than be away from him, you see. I'm there's something psychologically unbalanced about that, but you know what? I no longer give a fuck. It's how I am. I love him more than anything in this world, and it makes me happy to be near him. If having that happiness requires me to deal with the crappiness that is LVC, then so be it.
So there.
I had a repeat of last night's dinner twice today. I had a bean burrito, cajun rice, and corn bread for both lunch and dinner. It was mucho yummy. These bean burritos are seriously the most delicious things in the entire galaxy, and as an extra added bonus they're cheap and easy to make. If I could, I'd live on them. But alas, one cannot effectively make bean burritos using a mini-fridge and a microwave. So sad. Adam came to visit in the afternoon, since he was right down the street at his dad's church. He caught me somewhat unaware, since I had just woken up and as such hadn't yet brushed my teeth or washed my face or anything. Gross. But he didn't seem to mind much, which is very sweet. He came over again in the evening to hang out - we didn't do much of anything except make a run to Giant for ice cream. I got strawberry cheesecake ice cream, and oh my, I'll be very surprised if there's any left by tomorrow night. This stuff is nummy delicious, people. Anything cheesecake flavored is okay by me. He left around 11:15, because he was sleepy and I didn't want him to fall asleep while driving and die, as I myself have come close to doing on more occasions than I should be comfortable with. I would make a really shitty trucker.
Anyhow, this thing is getting enormous. Into Word I go to spell-check, and then I will delve back into the world of Illustrator and Photoshop. Bliss, until my wrist starts to scream in pain from over-mousing.
Adieu.
back & forth
Wait, there's more!
I like pina coladas - March 30, 2005
must... finish... projects... - March 22, 2005
Mr. Postman delivers the good stuff - March 18, 2005
when everything is bad - March 16, 2005
of fruits and menstruation - March 15, 2005