March 20, 2003 :: 6:23 p.m.
I am The Miser, I wear feathers in my hat
Ack. It's been freezing and pouring all day, chock full o' grey, cloudy ugliness. I mean, I like grey, and I like clouds, but I also like some freaking color in my days, you know? Yeah. There wasn't any today. No color for Thursday. It's been very sad. But despite that, I've had a rather good day, which is very surprising indeed. I haven't been much with the good days since... well, for a while, anyway. But today was okay, with the exception of constant Emily, of course. Nothing new there.
This morning after English, while the ever-present roommate was sleeping, I pulled out one of my tarot decks and drew a card for the day. It's been a long time since I used them, due to lack of time, opportunity, etc. I chose the Osho Zen Tarot, for a variety of reasons. It was my very first deck, oh so many years ago (read: 5), and it's always been the one I feel most comfortable with. It grabbed me by the throat the first time I saw it, sitting behind the counter at a crappy little mall bookstore. Since then I've amassed a small collection of decks - all of which I love, some of which I don't use very often. But the Osho Zen is still my favorite, and probably always will be. So I took it out of its little bag and did my thing, ending up with The Miser laid out in front of me. I've gotten this card many, many times in the past - so often, in fact, that Joe and I used to be very surprised when it didn't turn up in a reading. The image is of a gnarled old woman, adorned with furs and feathers and jewels and gold, hoarding a huge pile of treasure behind a stone wall. She looks, well, lonely and cranky and desperate and afraid. Hello to looking at myself on a tarot card.
The card has, to me, always been about taking down the walls that we surround ourselves with. Treasures are useless unless they're shared; all the riches in the world can't make up for the pleasure and validation we get from human interaction. I hate everyone, truly, and even I know this. Knowing it doesn't mean I have to like it, but I know it nonetheless. So basically, when I asked what I should concentrate on today, I was told to focus on breaking down my proverbial walls, opening myself up, and sharing what I've got - emotionally, mentally, the whole nine yards. Sound advice, for me. I am, after all, the queen of keeping it all bottled up inside and hoarding all the feelings for myself. Must work on that.
There's a candlelight vigil thing happening tonight on campus, but with the rain and the wind and the disgusting coldness, I'm not sure if Adam and I will be attending. However, right this very moment I am going haul my computer tower upstairs to his room and let him do his genius thing to it. Because he wants to, for some reason or another, and because I'm absolutely useless when it comes to such things.
Tomorrow, I get to take my dog to meet Adam's dog. This makes me happy. Tonight, Adam is sleeping over. This makes me even happier. So really, I'm pretty happy right now. Wonders upon wonders. Savor the sensation, folks. It's a rarity.
back & forth
Wait, there's more!
I like pina coladas - March 30, 2005
must... finish... projects... - March 22, 2005
Mr. Postman delivers the good stuff - March 18, 2005
when everything is bad - March 16, 2005
of fruits and menstruation - March 15, 2005