March 24, 2004 :: 1:41 a.m.
Dawn of the Dull
So Adam and I went to see
Dawn of the Dead tonight. I'd heard that it was really scary - like piss yourself scary. But you know what? It wasn't. I was totally and completely under-whelmed. It was all gore and no story, which made it really hard for me to get interested or, you know... care. I enjoy a good Festival of Blood and Guts as much if not more than the next person, but after a certain number of close-range gunshots to the head you just start to be somewhat desensitized to it all. Yes, the zombies were freaky, but not so much with the actual
frightening, you know? Not even the little girl at the beginning, and usually I find children incredibly creepy. Mostly I found myself fascinated with how quick they were. I mean, for dead guys? Those bastards could really move.
Also, since my mind has been irreparably warped by the Buffyverse, I found myself wondering who sent the zombies out to eat human flesh. Because, if I may quote the dear, departed Anya: "Zombies don't eat brains anyway unless instructed to by their zombie masters. A lot of people get that wrong."
The whole thing was very sudden. Why that day? Why, all of a sudden, were zombies roaming the earth? Because there was "no more room in hell?" Whatever. If hell were going to run out of vacancies, it would have done so a long time ago. And the characters were just... flat. They had no personalities, no background stories of which to speak. And I get that it's a horror movie, and one generally doesn't go to horror movies for the character development, but come on. You've got to give me a reason to care about these people. Having someone act sassy or snotty or pregnant does not an interesting character make. And that redhead? DUMBEST PERSON EVER.
I'd have to say that my favorite character in the entire movie was Chips the dog. He wore a little green vest with pouches on it and was immune to the zombies' blood lust. And he was cute, and automatically endearing because he was a dog. So right there he's got one-up on all the mentally-challenged retards in that stupid mall. Well, I did sort of like the big black cop. Because threatening to stick your foot up a red-neck security guard's ass upon first sight is a-okay with me. Otherwise, I just didn't care. Not even about the zombie baby, because I totally called it about half an hour before it happened. So predictable.
In conclusion, Dawn of the Dead was immensely disappointing. The soundtrack was jarring and schizophrenic, the theater had the volume turned up WAY too loud, and the zombies? Were not so scary. I was promised a movie that would give me nightmares, but all it really gave me was a headache. Two of those big foam sports-fan thumbs way down.
back & forth
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