April 17, 2002 :: 12:33 a.m.
The Horrid Bee Incident
Ahem. Most recent Google search: "What is called the Hairy tongue Syndrome?"
*blinks* Yeah... yeah, that's really all I can say about that. Moving on to...
... The Horrid Bee Incident! And oh, it was horrid. I was supposed to be at Joe's around three this afternoon, but due to the intervention of one particularly nasty bee, I didn't even leave until three. I walked out into the unnaturally warm 87-degree afternoon at 2:30, keys in hand; as I approached my car, I noticed a bee flying around it. First thought: "Dude, you're a little confused, my car is most definitely not a flower." Second thought: "Shit. What if he tried to get in?" That's where I cursed myself, I think, because just as I opened the door ESP Bee came buzzing toward me. I closed the door really quickly and backed away (I don't like insects, especially those of the flying persuasion). He landed on the window. I could hear his mocking laughter from across the street.
"Well," I thought, "maybe if I go inside for a few minutes he'll leave." So inside I went. A few minutes later, he was still there. I decided to try and get in the car before he saw me (he was sitting on the rear windshield. I went to open the door and he came flying toward me. Again. I ran. Again. There was a little shrieking. Anyone watching out their window must have thought I was absolutely loony, fleeing at the smallest sign of ESP Bee. But he was evil, I tell you! A denizen of hell, come to torment me. Grr. By this time, I was really kind of freaked out. I mean, he wouldn't leave me alone. I went for the door one more time; sure enough, he came at me. I threw everything I was carrying (keys, purse, a stack of CDs) at the little fucker. Bad idea, in retrospect, as it was doubtful I'd hit him but quite certain I'd have to pick all the shit up off the road either way.
Alas, my bombs didn't faze him. Just pissed him off a little, I think, because after that he chased me though the backyard. When I lost sight of him, I ran back to the car, gathered all the stuff off the street, and jumped in. Deep breath, deep breath. I rolled down the window. I thought I was safe. I was wrong. The flying imp of the fiery depths spotted my mistake and went in for the kill. I jumped out of the car. He flew in. Sat on the floor for a while, enjoying his victory. Then I guess he got bored, seeing as how he'd won and everything, because he just flew away. I looked around, thinking that he was somehow still in the car, waiting until I was on the highway to fly out and cause me to crash through the guardrail and plummet to my twisted metal death. After a few minutes of bee-free silence, I figured the coast was clear. It was. I got in and drove to Joe's like nothing ever happened.
And that, my friends, was The Horrid Bee Incident. I told Adam about it tonight and he just laughed at me. Meanie. It's not my fault he was out to get me. Though I must admit it was amusing, now that I'm not in the midst of it. But I'd hate to see a tape of it. Christ, I was running from that bee like he was going to leap at me and gnaw my face off. Which I guess he could have. I don't know what other weird powers ESP Bee had. Maybe he was really a man, a la Flyboy Action Figure Comes With Gasmask.
Bzzzz.
back & forth
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