April 20, 2002 :: 12:00 a.m.
a piece of wreckage washed ashore
Someone hit my page through a search for "hairy girl tummies." I am frightened. I may run screaming into the night.
Amanda has come and gone since the last entry. We sat in my parents' room and watched Iron Chef and I drew some things. Then we went into my room and I poured out a bit of emotion-talk. About how I'm always one extreme or the other, either bawling uncontrollably or punching holes in things. About how it's so hard to talk to Adam because he's always passive, he just keeps apologizing even though he doesn't know what he's apologizing for. My initial reaction when I get upset is either crying or rage, crying or rage, sometimes both at the same time, and it's hard to carry on a conversation and try to work things out when you can't even eek out a a few words between sobs or fits of anger. When I'm mad I want to fight, I want to yell and get out everything bad, but I can't with him. He doesn't do that. I know he gets mad, he has to, but I can't ever tell if he is. He doesn't raise his voice or even get silent and aloof; he doesn't show any outward signs of anger, and I feel like a freak in comparison because I can't be so calm.
I love him with all my heart but sometimes I wonder how we've lasted this long. I usually only think about it when I'm upset, though, because when I'm not I know exactly how we've lasted this long - we really do love each other, care about each other. It's just hard to remember the good moments when you're so entrenched in the bad.
Mer. I really should stop writing about this. It only serves to depress me, and further cement the fact that my emotional health is entirely fucked. Le sigh. I'm off to catch me some zzz's, because I have to get up and take Mason to work in the morning. I'm sure there will be more ranting over the next few days, because I'll have a great deal of free time on my hands. Huzzah.
back & forth
Wait, there's more!
I like pina coladas - March 30, 2005
must... finish... projects... - March 22, 2005
Mr. Postman delivers the good stuff - March 18, 2005
when everything is bad - March 16, 2005
of fruits and menstruation - March 15, 2005