June 17, 2003 :: 12:29 a.m.
yeah, I'm exceptional. exceptionally screwed.
Today. Oh, today. How do I even begin? I'll be blunt. It sucked. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. A dog shit on this day's head and then set it on fire. Today was showered with burning acid and melted into a steaming puddle of toxic nastiness. If someone had broken into my house and shot me in the head today, I would have found a way to come back from the dead and send them a fucking thank you note. That's how much I did not enjoy today.
Woke up half bawling, half screaming from a nightmare that I'm not even going to discuss due to the fact that it will immediately make me cry. Again. Laid in bed for about two hours, sobbing and snotting up my pillowcases. It was gross. Also sad, because my own brain/subconscious apparently hates me with a terrible passion and wants me to suffer and be paranoid and miserable. Thank so much.
Called Borders - no job. They have nothing to offer me right now. Hung up, cried, curled up into a fetal ball on the bed, etc. Resisted the urge to drive to the bookstore and cut the fucking HR manager into bitty pieces for stringing me along for two and a half weeks.
Spent most of the evening hungry and alone and depressed. Adam came over for a little while, but we didn't do much. I'm no fun to be around in my present state, I know, and while I did enjoy having him there to hug me and things, I felt bad that we just laid around doing nothing productive or interesting. He left around 10, because he was tired and has to work in the morning. Tomorrow is our 31st monthiversary (read: 2 years and 7 months). I can't afford to get him anything, not even a card. It's pathetic. I probably won't even get to see him for very long - he doesn't get home from work until around 5, we most likely won't get together until 6 or 6:30, and then he'll head home again before 10. I understand the schedule, but it's still sort of depressing. I'm taking my grandma out to run some errands tomorrow afternoon, so if she slips me some money (which she usually does) maybe I can take him out to dinner or get him a present of some kind. Hope hope hope.
My food intake for today consisted of a bowl of corn pops, a can of Mountain Dew, a popsicle, a chocolate-covered pretzel rod, and a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Seems like more when I write it down. Hrm. I'm still hungry. And thirsty. My mom went to the grocery store tonight, so before she left I added five things to the list: veggie burgers, soy hot dogs, hamburger buns, hot dog buns, and provolone cheese. She came home with the two kinds of buns and none of the other stuff. I had my heart set on a black bean burger, too. Grrr. Maybe I can market the "My Family Doesn�t Like To Feed Me" diet plan and get mucho rich. Oh, wait. I'd have to be thin and pretty to do that, not a bloated monstrosity who shatters mirrors on sight.
In case you can't tell, I'm in a really horrible mood. There is no happy. There is no funny. There's not even any somewhat amusing, self-deprecating sarcasm. There is only disappointment and disgust and despair and depression and all those other unpleasant D-words. And a whole lot of rage and violent urges, as well, but that's a standard feature on this model of Amanda. I'd say that perhaps tomorrow will be better, but as it is currently 12:53 a.m. I'm already experiencing what I've been calling tomorrow. It sucks, too. At least my world is consistent.
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back & forth
Wait, there's more!
I like pina coladas - March 30, 2005
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Mr. Postman delivers the good stuff - March 18, 2005
when everything is bad - March 16, 2005
of fruits and menstruation - March 15, 2005