August 30, 2002 :: 9:36 a.m.
I am not a joyful girl
Tomorrow, I'll have been here for a week. I'm still not quite adjusted, emotionally or mentally. No big surprise there - I'm not quite emotionally correct on the very best of days, and these definitely haven't been the very best of days. I mean, it's all right, but I'm having some... problems. As usual, I suppose. Spending so much time with Adam is wonderful, but it's bringing to the forefront all of these issues that I knew were there but that haven't had very much reason to be... active (is that right?) until now. And it's all tearing me up, literally and figuratively, because as we all know I'm not necessarily the Queen of Healthy Coping. I can't get past things, no matter how hard I try to ignore them or tell myself that I'm just being silly and paranoid. They won't go away. I think everything is fine, and then out of nowhere I'm hit with this wave of insecurity, suspicion, sadness, dread. You name it. If it's a bad thing to feel, I've been feeling it.
I don't even know what to do here. I don't know how to handle myself or my emotions. It's all too much, too strong. I constantly have this horrible feeling in my stomach... cold and empty and painful and overwhelmingly full all at once. I'm crying more than usual, among other things. And I cry a freaking lot to begin with, so just imagine. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm crying, or what I'm feeling, or why I'm feeling it. I have never been so confused before in my entire life. Or ashamed of myself, for that matter, because I know that none of this should bother me. I know that. But it doesn't matter. Nothing matters, nothing can change the way things make me feel. Nothing that I tell myself, nothing that Adam tells me, nothing that I see with my own eyes, even. I'm so conflicted, and angry at myself, and angry at everyone else.
*sighs* Good lord, could this get angstier? Probably, yes, but I'd like to avoid it. Bottom line is, I guess, that I'm just not too well. In a way, things are fine. Great, even. But I'm not fine. And I don't know how to stop it, or change it, or whatever.
[/end angst]
Let's talk about some happy things for a moment, shall we? I'll make a list, because lists are fun and they make me happy, even though I never do what's on them (in the case of To Do lists).
1. This weekend, Emily is going somewhere with her boyfriend, so Adam can sleep here. Yay!
2. September 24th. It's chock full of Buffy goodness - the 7th season starts, and the musical CD comes out. I'm so definitely getting that ASAP. No jokes. And the 24th is a Tuesday, so I'll actually get to watch the season premier. You see, if it were a Monday or a Wednesday, I'd miss it, because I have French from 7:30 to 9:00.
3. Hmm. Chocolate? Always chocolate. I have a bag of Dove Promises in the bottom drawer of my desk... heh. They've lasted longer than the last bag, which I bought sometime during the summer and ate in three days. This bag is still half full and it's been almost a week. I had three pieces just now, though. Bad girl.
Sadly, I can't think of much aside from Buffy and getting to sleep with Adam (and chocolate, of course) that makes me very happy right now. So, end of list. End of entry, in fact. I'll probably write later, but perhaps not. We shall see.
back & forth
Wait, there's more!
I like pina coladas - March 30, 2005
must... finish... projects... - March 22, 2005
Mr. Postman delivers the good stuff - March 18, 2005
when everything is bad - March 16, 2005
of fruits and menstruation - March 15, 2005