October 07, 2002 :: 11:51 p.m.
she's dawning on me
Geh. Why is it that every time I'm in a decent mood, something comes up to send my spirits flying face-first onto the asphalt? Because it sucks. Today has been a pretty good day, intense fatigue aside. But now I'm just... ugh. Everything is bad again. Why? Nothing is incredibly different than it was an hour ago. Though I don't know why I even bother wondering. I've had about 5 moments of complete happiness in god only knows how long. I don't know why I should expect things to change. There's always just so much
stuff going on in my head... so much that constantly eats away at me, no matter how adamantly my logic opposes it. I'm always sad and always angry and always crying and always insecure. I don't even know what the hell is wrong with me anymore. Not that it really matters.
I have no idea how/why Adam puts up with me. I honestly don't. And it scares me, because I'm very afraid that one day he's going to realize what a complete mess I am and just... mer. It's really a good thing that I have a roommate, from a health standpoint. I am not safe in my own company. It seems such an affirmation of my utter lack of worth that I can't imagine hurting anyone else (though I do admit that thinking about it amuses/gratifies me sometimes) but it's no problem at all to hurt myself. It actually seems very appropriate. And hey, one should take comfort wherever one can find it, right? Le sigh.
Emily is going to bed, and I feel kind of bad that I'm typing. It has to be annoying. But all of the lights are off and I'm not ready to go to bed, so what else is there to do? Not a whole lot, trust me. I am 7 classes, 1 Statistics quiz, 1 French test, 1 English conference, and 1 Anthro test away from Fall break. I'm not really prepared for the Statistics quiz... I actually forgot all about it over the weekend. I haven't made up my "cheat sheet," so I guess I'll do that tomorrow. I don't know why I bother - they never help. I'll be okay with French, I think. It's not that hard, and for some reason I seem to absorb it all without much difficulty or effort. I have to finish my English paper sometime between now and Thursday at 1:15, which for some reason is annoying me. Probably because I'm not too fond of the paper's topic, or the quality of my writing. But it's a paper that focuses on interpreting information. We're not talking detailed descriptions or gripping dialogue. We're talking facts and how they have influenced the world. So whatever. I can knock out two pages in 3 days. The Anthro test has put a bit of fear into me. I looked over the study guide and somehow, even though I've done all of the reading and haven't missed any classes, a lot of it doesn't look even remotely familiar. Gulp. Here's hoping for a miracle.
I'm hoping that Emily goes home over break, because I don't really plan to and having the room to myself would be excellent. I think I'm going to go home Saturday morning and visit for a bit before picking Joe up and heading to the Rufus concert, but otherwise I think I'm just going to hang around here. There's not a whole lot for me to do at home... I can only chit-chat with my parents for so long. I mean, I enjoy that, I really do, but it's not like I can even stay over there. Mason stole the pillows that I left there, all of my stuff is here, and my room is sort of being used as extra storage space. So I'll hang out for a while, play with the cats, maybe go to Shanny's and visit Charlie and Chloe, maybe stop at Amanda's if she'll be home, and then zoom off to Harrisburg.
I'm not really looking forward to that, by the way. I'm full of mixed feelings about the concert. I want to go because, hey, it's Rufus and Rufus is up there with god. But I don't want to go because I'm tired and I don't feel like driving and spending money and being lonely and irate while Joe spends the evening feeling up Mike in a crowded theater. But I guess I'm sort of committed to go at this point, so it looks like I'll be having a rollicking good time in Philly on Saturday night. And then I will come back to my little room and sleep. A lot.
Hmm. This has been king of long, eh? Yeah. I'll end it, then. I've switched from No Doubt to Bif Naked, and the CD is almost over anyway. So goodnight, all. Happy dreams and that stuff.
back & forth
Wait, there's more!
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when everything is bad - March 16, 2005
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