November 07, 2002 :: 10:39 p.m.
I can't seem to find my way out
I'm taking a break from the Happy List because I can't think of one damn thing to put on it right now. What follows is going to be angsty and insecure and jealous and petty. Be warned. It will be the ranting of a depressed, suspicious, irrational girl. If you want the slightly more amusing rantings of a less-depressed, Happy List making girl, go back to the previous entry. That said, I want no complaining. I've had a very bad night and I need to get this out of my system. I usually try to contain this side of myself, and while I know it slips out occasionally, I think I do a decent job. But fuck it all, I just do not care right now.
Here's the thing: I don't have any male friends other than Adam. Well, Joe, but Joe doesn't count because he's very gay and I've known him for about 5 years. I don't even have any male acquaintances. And I don't care, because I don't want any. Is this strange? Is it wrong? I don't want or need any other opposite-sex friends, because Adam is all I want. No one could possibly come close to making me as happy as he does, and I don't want to hang around or spend time with any other guys because they just can't compare. If I am going to Turkey Hill for [insert snack food/drink here], I want him to come with me, but if he doesn't, I go alone. Because I don't want anyone else. He's everything to me and I can't even imagine wanting to spend time with anyone else.
Is it just because I'm anti-social and dislike everyone else? No, fuck you very much, it's not. There are some nice people out there, and hey, great, but I don't care. These people are none of my concern. Am I alone in this kind of thing? Is this really bad of me? Probably, if I can't talk about it anywhere but my online diary, and even here I'm censoring myself. But I can't help it. It's how my emotions and my thoughts work, and because I am me, I can't change it. I can't just say, "hey, Self, stop being like this." It doesn't work like that.
But I am alone in it, in my relationship. Adam has troupes of female friends. And you know what? I hate them. Every last fucking one. I would like to hurt them. It's a desire that I feel with every nerve in my body. If that makes me petty, or possessive, or psychotic, so be it. At least I'm being honest about it. I have to be. This has been fucking me up for a long, long time, and it will continue to fuck me up. I know it won't go away. It's illogical and stupid and I know that,and I still can't stop it. So I need to say it, because if one thing in my life rips me apart inside, this is it.
Pretend you are me, with my thoughts and feelings. You love Adam completely, unendingly, and he is all you want. He is all you need. You do not want to spend time with any other boys, because they aren't even pale imitations of what he is to you. But he doesn't feel the same way. He has legions of friends who just happen to be girls, and they are everywhere. Everywhere you turn, and you are so jealous and hurt that you end up crying yourself to sleep every other night and hurting yourself because what you really want is to hurt everyone else. Do you know why you are hurt? Because to you, feeling the way that you do, it appears as if you are not enough for him. That he wants other girls, because you are sub-par, unsatisfactory, and undesirable. You are not enough, not pretty enough, not funny enough, not smart enough. Never enough. And you feel bad for feeling this way, but it makes perfect sense to you. Just typing this would leave you on the verge of tears, and with an internal conflict the size of Russia.
I don't pretend to be proud of this, understand. My logic and my emotions butt heads incessantly, and inevitably, my emotions win out. Because I am made up entirely of emotion. My veins are full of feeling, and spilling it makes the feeling stop just for a few brief seconds. I can tell myself until my tongue turns limp and dead that my worries are unwarranted, and that I'm being crazy, but I can't crack the feeling. I can't make it go away by turning denial into a mantra. Trust me, I've tried. I've made every effort to be okay with this, to come to terms with it, but I can't. It's just not going to happen.
What does that say about me? Thought that's not the point - I know exactly what it says about me. It says that I have serious emotional problems, that's what it says. But hiding under the blatantly obvious is a little thing called fear. Adam is my world; he is the reason that I get up in the morning. What he thinks of me means everything... everything. And all of this gives me the impression that that he doesn't feel the way that I do. That I don't mean to him what he means to me. And I'm perpetually terrified of losing him, because I don't even think of myself as being good enough for him. If I don't think so, why would he? And this... it just makes it worse. It sends me deeper into this pit of feeling worthless, of feeling on the verge of losing the one person that has ever really mattered to me. And it makes me crazy. Absolutely fucking crazy. It tears me apart and scatters the pieces.
God. How long is this thing getting to be? It's been almost an hours since I started writing. I should probably stop. I should probably have never begun, but it's too late for that now. Well, no. I could just delete all of this and pretend it never happened. But I won't, because I can't. I can't pretend that I didn't write it anymore than I can pretend that I don't feel it. I hate myself for feeling it. I hate myself for thinking that it's true. But I do feel it, and I do think it. It's in my heart and it's in my brain, and I can't make it leave.
Adam, if you read this, and I know that you will, don't be offended or angry. Please. I don't want to do that. I just felt ready to explode and nothing else worked, so I tried writing. I had to get it out. I could never say any of this to your face, because I'm almost ashamed of it. So... either ignore it or forgive me. Or hate me. Goddess knows I'd be right there with you.
Goodnight.
back & forth
Wait, there's more!
I like pina coladas - March 30, 2005
must... finish... projects... - March 22, 2005
Mr. Postman delivers the good stuff - March 18, 2005
when everything is bad - March 16, 2005
of fruits and menstruation - March 15, 2005