November 14, 2001 :: 12:50 a.m.
i want to redesign already
listening to... the constant, brain-tightening hum of my computer.
reading... "Me Talk Pretty One Day," by David Sedaris, and last night I read "The Little Prince," by Antoine de Saint-Exup�ry.
feeling... unsure. Of everything.
I need to get a fricking gold membership for this thing. I've spent the past god knows how many hours attempting to do something very simple to the layout of this journal, but for some reason it doesn't want to work. It's not something complicated! It's not hard! Just one little thing! Is that really too much to ask?
*throws things at the computer*
Grrr. I do not get on well with all things even the slightest bit mechanical. One time I was locked in my room for 45 minutes because my doorknob decided that it didn't like me anymore. My door doesn't even have a lock on it. And now it doesn't shut all the way, because that would be much too easy, and apparently the mission of household furnishings and mechanical items everywhere is to make my life as difficult as possible. Not that having a door that won't shut all the way is akin to being orphaned or anything, but it is a little annoying sometimes.
Anyway. Moving on. I didn't do too much today, but as you'll see as time progresses, that's nothing unusual. I woke up, putzed around for a while, and then went to Border to spend what little money I had on cds. But what can I say? I need something to listen to. Since my cds were stolen, I've been listening to the same few thing over and over and over until, as much as I love them, I want to play Crucify Rufus Wainwright and nail the bitches to the wall. Well, that's not quite true. I do love Rufus. But in any case, Shakira's new cd came out today, and I picked up BT's Rare & Remixed. I haven't listened to BT yet, but the Shakira cd is most excellent. Also - that woman is really, really, mind-blowingly hot. If I were a lesbian, I'd want to have sex with her. But since I'm not, I just want to look at her.
I think I'd still have sex with her, though, under the correct circumstances. ;)
I talked to Adam for a while tonight. <--- that would be my boyfriend, and his site is here if you care to visit him. We didn't talk about too much; it kind of bothers me that our phone conversations are like that sometimes, but I know it doesn't mean anything. He's loving school and his roomate, Mike, just as fiercely as ever... *drip, drip.* Oh, would you look at the size of the sarcasm puddle gathering under that one. No, he doesn't like school too much, and quite frankly his roomate is an obnoxious, inconsiderate, incoherent, foul-smelling idiot, so I can see where he's coming from. I'm going to see him (Adam, not his roomate... *shudder* goddess forbid) on Thursday; we're going "cat shopping!" We're going to make a trip to the Humane Society to see if there are any kitties that strike my fancy. I'm betting they all will. :) My younger brother, Mason, gave his iguana to someone much better suited to care for him, and so in return for that we're getting another cat. I'm kind of wary as to how Gizmo and Tango, our two resident felines, will take it, but I guess we'll just have to see.
I've been thinking about school again. These deadlines are getting much too close, much to fast... I'm not ready for this. I decided to take some time off before I went to college because I had no idea what I wanted to do, and really I still don't. I've focused on animation, because it's something that I've always loved and that I think I might be good at. But the problem is that I'm the world's worst procrastinator, and now I've got about a month to get everything together and I really don't know if I can do it. I need to put a portfolio together, but i don't have anything to put in the portfolio. So I have to have 15-20 presentable pieces, life drawing and such, ready by January... oy. Have I mentioned that I don't think I can do this? Yes. Several times. That's because I'm really have doubts and I can't stop thinking about, and to be honest it makes me want to cry. Want to cry? Hell, it does make me cry. That's all I do. Well, that and worry. Worry about the SAT (which is December 1st), worry about whether or not I'm good enough to even get into any of these places, worry about how I'm going to pay for it if I do, worry about whether I can get a portfolio ready in time, worry about the distance and what it could mean for Adam and I... basically I spend all of my time worrying about everything. I spend time that would be better spent working on things for the stupid portfolio worrying about the stupid portfolio. Does that make any sense? Probably not.
I'm very confused. Very, very confused. I wish my life was a fairy tale. I could be some dippy princess and bop around in a big shiny dress and pick roses until my prince came riding up on his magnificent white horse to take me away to the castle. Sounds nice. You know, except for the dippy part and the bopping and the big dress and the princess thing. I think what I'm trying to get at is that I just want someone to save me. I know, I know, I'm the only person that can help me, but Goddess, have some mercy on your child! I don't know what I'm doing. I'm floating around this place, putting all my energy into my concerns and none into changing anything... I know what the problem is. I also know that there seems to be a simple solution to that problem: stop doing it. But unfortunately, here in Amanda-land, things just aren't that simple. Actually, they probably are, and I'm just a raging moron, but hey.
Bah. No more talk of this for tonight. I'm sure I'll go on about it enough every other time, anyway. I was supposed to hang out with Joe (my best friend) tonight, but he had people over, so we're going to go out tomorrow. He never works Wednesdays, because... well, because he doesn't want to. And Applebee's loves him, so he can do that sort of thing. We'll probably watch a movie or something and just hang aroung his house. That means I get to play with his baby cat! Aww, Rufus. He's the most adorable black and white kitten. We named him after Rufus Wainwright, who opened for Tori Amos when we saw her in DC. We were going to name him something related to the 7th song she played, because we saw her on October 7th, but it was Beauty Queen and the only thing I could think of was Bean Bag... which, as funny as it would be, isn't such a proper name for a cat. I love that cat. It has this thing with biting, though. Meh.
I'm getting sleepy... very sleepy... I think I'm going to make some Sleepytime Peppermint Tea (thank you honey!) and read for a while.
-Amanda
back & forth
Wait, there's more!
I like pina coladas - March 30, 2005
must... finish... projects... - March 22, 2005
Mr. Postman delivers the good stuff - March 18, 2005
when everything is bad - March 16, 2005
of fruits and menstruation - March 15, 2005