November 26, 2001 :: 12:23 p.m.
love and job selector tests
listening to... BT,
Rare & Remixed - disk 2.
reading... tex and molly in the afterlife, by Richard Grant.
feeling... decent.
I'm done with math for the evening. I read through like 100 pages in my SAT prep book, and I believe that's quite enough for one day. It's more studying that I've done in... well... in a long time. I don't think I ever studied half this much for anything in high school. Here's a small diagram illustrating exactly how I feel right now:
Pleasant, neh? *laughs* Please forgive the poor drawing - I wasn't feeling at my most creative when it was done.
So moving away from foul math... I took a job selector test. I pinched it from a link in this diary if you want to get back to the source. Now, this test was six questions long. Six. I fail to see how anyone or anything could determine the right career for me in six questions. But reality aside, it did amuse me for a minute. The first four were actually spot-on: chef, artist, author, and graphic designer. Others that I've considered at one point or another that showed up on the list were web designer, computer game programmer, astronaut, and reporter. The there were the other 17 options, which ran the gamut from park ranger to teacher to rock star to mathemetician. *smirks* I believe we can all see the humor in that last one.
Okay, so that test is a piece of crap. But things like that intrigue me, so I suppose it's okay.
... ah. I see. It's the same 25 careers for everyone; just the order changes. *smacks forehead* Yeah, I'm a bit dense. In that case it really isn't all that bad.
Anyway. Adam got a web-cam, and I'm slowly starting to lust after one myself. It's so fun to be able to see him when we're talking online... it seems so much more intimate that way. Instant message boxes aren't really my preferred forum for communicating, mostly because it's so impersonal. It's so hard to express emotion through text alone without sounding clich� and overly sentimental. Compared to the volume of feeling that can be expressed through the warmth of a single touch or the subtle tones of someone's voice, words on a screen, no matter how honest or heartfelt, seem static and empty sometimes. So being able to see him, to watch his eyes and his smile, makes me feel that much closer to him. It's funny, really, how something so simple as a tiny, choppy video feed could affect me so much - there were points during the conversation where I felt my eyes start to get hot and fill with tears. We weren't discussing anything serious or emotional (actually, we were just joking around and being silly), but he does that to me sometimes. It's amazing the power this boy holds over me; it's more amazing still that I trust him with it. And I do, completely, with a fervor that I haven't felt in a long time. He has my heart in his hands, and I put it there.
Love is such a confusing creature. For the longest time I thought that no one would ever feel that kind of passion and intensity for me, because who could love such an imperfect soul? I'm too much of everything I shouldn't be, and too little of what I should; a mess of a person, really, with no hope of tidying up. It seemed unfair to me that I should be deprived of such a basic human need, of the pleasure and comfort that can be taken in knowing that you have a partner in this life. I resigned myself to it, eventually - after so many years it doesn't really matter anymore. But of course, I was wrong. To convince yourself at the age of 17 that you'll spend your life alone is ridiculous. My theory has been disproved, obviously, and as I type this I'm madly in love with the most wonderful man in the universe.
So much for giving up hope before you're old enough to buy cigarettes.
You'll have to excuse my rambling on. When I start writing about a topic that I'm emotionally entangled with, it's sometimes hard for me to stop. Most of the time I lose my train of thought and the end of the paragraph doesn't even remotedly resemble the beginning, but hey. It works for me. I'm going to go read for a bit, maybe make some tea. The math monster has friend my brain and I need to soothe it somehow.
-Amanda
back & forth
Wait, there's more!
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