December 19, 2002 :: 12:55 a.m.
melted elephants and morning mouth
Eh, so tired. And thirsty. And my eyes are all watery and it's not much fun at all.
It's been another boring day here at Chez Me, only this time it was boring with a heaping helping of lonely on top. I'm seriously feeling very isolated here, which shouldn't bother me because hey, I hate people. But there's no one at all here. My dad and Mason, sometimes my uncle (who I do not like at all), and ever so occasionally my mother. I've seen my mom once since I came home, I think. It's really depressing. I was talking to my dad the other day - or he was talking to me, rather - and he said that my mom has been gone for two months. Two freaking months. I guess I haven't been keeping track; maybe being away from home and somewhat distanced from the whole thing made it easier to... not forget, per se, but focus on other things. But now that I'm here and very definitely in the midst of it all, it just tearing at me in a way that I thought I had gotten past. It's so ambiguous. She says that she loves my dad, and that she wants to come back. He loves her, and he wants her to come back. So I ask you, what exactly is the hold up? It's become this sick waiting game where I spend every day wondering if I'll even get to see her anytime soon.
At school, I get to see Adam all the time. That is Lebanon Valley's greatest (and quite possibly only) virtue. I do not have that here. And now that he's had to join the Target team again (poor kid), I'll be having even more time to sit at home and think about depressing things. Yay! Sounds like boatloads of fun to me.
I don't know. It just seems very sad to me that I'd rather be someplace that I actively dislike (school) than in my own home. Home is supposed to be warm and safe and comfortable, full of people who love you and want to talk to you and take care of you. My home used to be something like that. Now it's this cold, foreign place full of emptiness and misery and the overwhelming sensation of being alone. And hey hey hey, I get to spend my vacation here. The joy and rapture surging through my body could very well kill an elephant. A tiny, plastic elephant that has tragically fallen into a fireplace and been melted into something resembling a blotchy, gray raisin.
Hrm. Oh, we finally named the gray cat - he will henceforth be known as Giles. Heh. I was watching Buffy in Mason's room on some night not too long ago, and the kitty was lying next to me, enjoying a vigorous petting session. Every time Giles (the man) did something note-worthy, I was like, "look Giles (the cat), you just blah blah whatever he just did on the show blah." It's funny if you're me, I swear. Giles the cat is outside right now, against my better judgment. His limp isn't nearly as bad after spending a few days resting inside, and he was just being so pitiful... pawing at the window, looking up at me with those big green eyes and meowing his little heart out... I had to let him out for a bit. But seriously, if he comes back all limpy and scratched up again, it's not my fault. Yes, I will feel bad and do my best to nurse him back to health, but it will definitely not be my fault. Nope, no faultiness here.
My mouth feels really gross. Like morning mouth, only at night. Drat. That's terribly unfair of the universe, sticking me with morning mouth before I even go to bed. So now I'm going to brush my teeth in order to get rid of the morning mouth, go to sleep, and then wake up with a brand spanking new case of it. Hmm. A vicious cycle, indeed, but somehow I can't bring myself to justify not brushing my teeth the way that I can justify not making my bed ("I'm just going to sleep in it again tonight, anyway"). Because that would just be gross.
'Night, then. Do not dream of a dancing chorus line composed of melted elephants.
edited 2:09 a.m. I just got my grades for this semester: four A's and a C+. Damn Statistics... I really thought I was going to pull through with a B. Alas. I still have a 3.666, which I supposed would round up to a 3.7... do GPA's round up? In any case, all is well and acceptable in the land of grades. Huzzah.
Goodnight for real this time.
back & forth
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