January 25, 2005 :: 12:18 a.m.
January should come with Prozac
It is 19 degrees outside and there is pretty much nothing emanating from my heater. Seriously, I just stick my hand inside and could touch the pipe (it's a hot water and pipes thing, I don't know) with no problem at all. Which means that it's not hot. Which means that there is no heat coming into my apartment. Which means that not only am I cranky and depressed, I am COLD.
Jesus fucking christ. Just... argh. ARGH.
I'm in this off purgatory state where I have not enough and also too much to do. It's interesting. Paradoxical. Annoying. I have a lot to do tomorrow, because I'm falling back into the comfortable, distracting arms of Procrastination and put it off all weekend. I need to get illustration board, gesso it at Deb's because I have no gesso and can't afford to buy any, hook up with Cassie to go get paint for 2D, finish touching up my project that's due tomorrow, and make this stupid-ass collage that Scullin wants for the starting point of our next project. And go to class, where I will be so deeply damaged by 90 minutes in Pawel's presence that my brain will dribble out of my ears and puddle on the desk, and the tiny spark that's left in my soul will finally die, letting out one last smoky cry for help. Then Children's Lit, which is fine but sucks by default since it's right after Nonwestern Art and I can't even muster the motivation to spell my name properly after that. And it snowed again today, so it's going to be icy and freezing and my socks will be soaked by the time I get to school, forcing me to sit for 3 hours with very cold, very wet socks on my already perpetually freezing feet.
Wow, that all just sounds like so much fun I could die happy without even experiencing it firsthand.
Gah. I'm whining. I know it. I'm annoyed with myself as we speak. But I can't help it. I'm just... not very happy at the moment. This semester is shaping up to be somehow both extremely boring AND stressful, and just all-around annoying. I have no money, and god only knows when my financial aid check will come. I need to look for a job, and I keep meaning to, but it just keeps getting pushed onto the backburner. I'm feeling oddly homesick. I was ditched by my best friend on Friday. I keep finding myself on the verge of tears at random moments.
Bottom line is that all I want to do right now is curl up under the covers with Adam and not think about how crappy everything is, or how crappy and unappreciative and short-sighted I am for thinking this way, or how no amount of rationalization or wishing or crying or cutting myself is going to make anything get any better.
I feel hopeless. I don't want to feel that way. I'm hoping I wake up in better spirits.
back & forth
Wait, there's more!
I like pina coladas - March 30, 2005
must... finish... projects... - March 22, 2005
Mr. Postman delivers the good stuff - March 18, 2005
when everything is bad - March 16, 2005
of fruits and menstruation - March 15, 2005