February 15, 2003 :: 8:57 p.m.
a literal fuckfest
So here's the thing - I'm really fucking irritated. What's new? Well, nothing. I got back from an all-day excursion with Adam just about twenty minutes ago, and all day I was in a rather good mood. But as soon as I walked into my room, my mood plummeted to the point where nailing Emily to the wall seems like a light-hearted good time for the whole family. She and Goth Boy are here, of course, watching some cheesy movie in total darkness at ear-splitting volumes. The usual, unfortunately.
What I don't get, though, is why I'm incapable of being the least bit unpleasant to her. I hate her. I would like to string her entrails around the room like Christmas lights. If she was in a horrific traffic accident, I wouldn't shed a tear. I'd probably laugh and buy confetti and little party hats and cake. So why can't I just be like "fuck her!" and do whatever I want in my own damn room? I need to work on my 2-D Design homework, but I'm not. I should turn on my light, sit on my bed, and do my fucking drawings, but I won't. Because my sick need to avoid conflict causes me to rant in my online diary about how annoying she is instead of actually taking any real-world action. And it makes me dislike myself even more, because I HATE HER. I should not go out of my way to be nice to her, or to allow her to have a pleasant movie-viewing experience with her unwashed fuck buddy. I should steal all of her shoelaces and pour bleach into her computer and replace her toothpaste with foot ointment. I should go out of my fucking way to make her life as cramped and miserable as she makes mine, and I should enjoy every second of it.
But I won't. Because I fucking suck.
Yes, I'm in a "fuckity fuck fuck" sort of mood now. Such a grand change from the pleasant, happy mood I was in before. I'd hate to be HAPPY for too long, you know? It might screw things up.
Argh. I need to leave this room before I seriously drive my Xacto knife into her eye. Bye.
back & forth
Wait, there's more!
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