March 01, 2004 :: 11:14 a.m.
I suck. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I wrote this last night, but it got eaten up by some random browser error. So here it is now.You know, having a cable connection really rocks for the most part... but sometimes it goes through these periods of being slower than god damn dial-up. It is going through such a period right this very moment. It is so thoroughly annoying that I felt the need to mention it here, in fact. As you can see. Argh.
I've been trying to check HACC's website for the past three days or so, to see if I have class next Monday, and it's been unresponsive. Which is a strange thing to say about a college website, really. I don't know what the deal is. It doesn't even give me an error page or anything - it just won't go. Very weird.
JESUS CHRIST. It is totally ridiculous. Comcast needs to bite me. Bite me HARD.
So, I've been having some issues. With school, current and possible future. Because what the hell else do I bitch about anymore? I've been putting off my latest Drawing homework all week, because I just haven't felt much like drawing, especially the lame crap we were assigned. It's Drawing I shit all over again, which is REALLY burning my ass - we all took the damn class, Shawn (prof). Just because we didn't take it with you doesn't mean we've retained no memory of the things we learned. GAH. Whatever. Today I finally had to break down and do it is, after all, due tomorrow. I had Adam model for me, started drawing... things were not working out. Scrapped it. Then his sister arrived with baby Olivia in tow (we were at his dad's house), so our attention was required elsewhere.
Cut to later, at my house this time. Fresh sheet of paper taped up on the easel, yummy shirtless boyfriend posing on bed, reluctant acknowledgement that the drawings must be done. After about 15 minutes, I just tore the monstrosity off the board, crumpled it up, tossed it into the corner, and fled to the bathroom to wash the conte crayon residue off my hands. And hold back tears. Because, okay. Art is sort of a sore spot for me. It's supposedly what I do, and sometimes I manage to make things that I like, but most of the time I just don't feel good enough at it to claim it as my "thing." And with this whole mad rush to get a portfolio together happening, and thinking about art school... not being able to get a stupid class assignment down on paper just hit me where I live, I guess. I spent the next two hours in a severely depressed funk, bouncing back and forth between bawling, berating myself, and heavy silence. It was not a good time.
And Adam was there during all of it, of course. I feel so bad about getting like that around him. I mean, he's seen it - he knows it happens. He's no stranger to the world of the funk himself. But I always feel like I'm this huge burden or annoyance to him when he's there to see it. And I know that's not true, logically, but logic has never been notoriously effective against my emotions. They're hardy little bastards.
Bottom line, really, is that I feel incredibly untalented right now. I got one of my drawings for class done after he left, and it's acceptable, but it's by no means good. I feel like such a hack, presenting myself like an "artist" when I can hardly put together a decent fucking stick figure when it's really necessary. And it's putting another kink in the whole art school plan. Like it needed another damn kink. The stupid plan is so full of knots and second thoughts and indecision that it's outright dishonest to call it a plan at all.
BLAH. I'm going to bed now. I have another drawing to do, but I'll deal with that tomorrow. Maybe sometime before I have to go to class, even. Wish me a talent and/or self-esteem boost.
back & forth
Wait, there's more!
I like pina coladas - March 30, 2005
must... finish... projects... - March 22, 2005
Mr. Postman delivers the good stuff - March 18, 2005
when everything is bad - March 16, 2005
of fruits and menstruation - March 15, 2005