June 03, 2004 :: 1:56 a.m.
electricity: no opposable thumbs required
I haven't updated in 5 days. Wow. That's like... a record. Or a travesty, depending. I don't know what's up with me lately, aside from a general lack of desire to write. I don't have much desire to do anything anymore. It's kind of sad. I have all this free time, and I don't really fill it with anything. I haven't written a creative word since class ended. I haven't really drawn anything. I just don't feel like it. I took a hiatus from the jogging, because I wasn't really enjoying it that much anymore. I want to get back into it, though; maybe I'll go to Wildwood in the morning and see how drastic the backslide is. Or maybe not. That's just the thing. I'm entirely apathetic. I don't really care if I go running, general and constant guilt aside. I really need to find a job, but my efforts have been minimal and half-hearted. I just can't seem to care.
Stuff at home is really getting to me. My dad stopped by this afternoon; he's in bad shape. This thing has really broken him. My parents, though they never actually married, were together for 28 years. Nearly 3 decades, and then it's over. I can't grasp that. I just cannot wrap my mind around it. I tend to empathize more with my father in this situation, as I'm closer to him. I've never been very close to my mom, but she's different now than she used to be. She's very cold. Distant. I try to talk to her sometimes, just random chit-chat, but it never takes. It's like she's just tolerating me or playing along, not saying much in return, until I get bored or discouraged and go away. She seems to be feeling no emotion over this split at all, which is very disconcerting, not to mention somewhat hurtful even to me. I mean, however things are between them now, he's still my dad. And Mason's. And now he's not here, and god knows how often we'll see him. I mean, I can drive up there whenever, but Mason can't drive and my mom is never home. Our family is just falling apart, and she doesn't seem to care at all. She just does her gardening and her yard work and works more hours than I can count and never says three words about anything. I can't stand it.
And I'm having MAJOR stress about moving to Lancaster. I'm excited, but there's fear. Definite fear. And apprehension, and nervousness, and doubt, and paranoia, and guilt. I'm excited to be out of my house, because it feel like a tomb and depresses me to no end, but the leaving Adam part doesn't thrill me. In fact, it terrifies me. He's undeniably the biggest part of my life now, and even though I'm not going to be that far away, I'll still probably only see him two or three times a week. That may seem like nothing to complain about, but I see him pretty much every day now. And I like it that way. Looking back on all the things we've been through together, the year we spent apart while he was at LVC was far and away the most unpleasant time we've had. I know it's a different situation, we've both grown, things aren't the same... but distance still raises flags, no matter how insignificant it may be in the long run.
And my cat just turned off my light. That was so bizarre. Rufus was scratching/stretching against the wall and he must have flipped the light switch. Huh. Perhaps it's a sign from the cat-gods that I should end this tirade and get some sleep. I was over at Joe's until quarter after one discussing all of this, and I'm really pretty beat. Which is totally no surprise - I have no energy lately. I even wake up tired. I don't like it one bit.
Anyway, sleep. I'll try to update more regularly, but I'd hate for this to turn into the "Amanda's Depressing Self-Therapy Journal." Gak.
back & forth
Wait, there's more!
I like pina coladas - March 30, 2005
must... finish... projects... - March 22, 2005
Mr. Postman delivers the good stuff - March 18, 2005
when everything is bad - March 16, 2005
of fruits and menstruation - March 15, 2005