August 10, 2004 :: 9:37 p.m.
and so begins a depressing new chapter...
Living alone isn't as much fun as I expected it to be. In fact, I'd say it downright sucks so far. Today was my second full day in the apartment, and... well, like I said.
I'm just really lonely. I'm kind of known for eschewing social interaction, I know, but this is just total isolation. I don't know anyone. I don't even know where anything is. I don't want to go out and explore. All I've been doing is crying and staring at whatever dreck happens to be on TV. I don't even know what to do with myself.
My dad came up tonight and took me out to dinner. It was nice, but now it's just me again. The buzz of companionship didn't last too long after I came up and locked the door behind me again.
I just got off the phone with Adam. I was so looking forward to his call, because talking to him usually cheers me up, at least for a little while. But tonight it just made me feel worse. We've talked about him moving up here with me, and he says he wants to, but I don't think it's going to happen. Just a feeling. And I'm so torn up and depressed right now; I feel like I'm lost and adrift, and it's like he doesn't even notice. Or, I don't know, care. I know he's got his own stuff going on, so I shouldn't blame him... but he didn't even ask how I'm doing. So I didn't unload on him... it seems unwelcome. The last thing I want to be to him is a burden.
I don't know. Everything is kind of shitty right now, emotionally. I feel very isolated and kind of trapped and unwanted and it's not the happy go-lucky liberating experience I imaged it to be. It's turning out to be something more along the lines of me sobbing into a pillow and falling back on bad habits.
Wish me... I don't know. Whatever you want. I guess it doesn't really matter.
back & forth
Wait, there's more!
I like pina coladas - March 30, 2005
must... finish... projects... - March 22, 2005
Mr. Postman delivers the good stuff - March 18, 2005
when everything is bad - March 16, 2005
of fruits and menstruation - March 15, 2005