October 21, 2003 :: 11:33 p.m.
The Festival of Voluntary Sleep
Today was a bad day. A very, very bad day. Not for any big, single reason... just a lot of little things going wrong and a general feeling of unhappiness. Also, the universe seems to be conspiring against me so that every time I think I feel as bad about myself as I could ever possibly feel, something comes along to make me feel even worse. It's amazing, really, that the self-loathing has such an unlimited depth. And the terrible, tragic caramel apple incident just occurred wraps up the Day o' Shit quite nicely.
I love caramel apples, you see. They are fabulous and if ever I saw a plush caramel apple toy, I would purchase it immediately and then carry it around forever. I buy the little three-packs of caramel apples that appear in grocery stored in the fall - they are yummy delicious. Tonight, I wanted one. I had two left, sitting in their little plastic package, waiting to be taken out and consumed. So I trotted over to my snack storage area (read: the chair by my yarn stash that is completely covered in crap), grabbed the package, and attempted to extract one apple from the package. Ahem. "Attempted" being the key word here, of course. Instead of freeing one apple from its prison, I sent both tumbling to the floor. Which is carpeted. And in dire need of a good vacuuming. They landed in two separate but relatively equal piles of dog hair. I honestly thought I was going to cry. It was a disaster the likes of which the world has never seen. I had to eat stale-ish gingersnaps instead. I do love me some gingersnaps, but oh, they are no substitute for a crunchy apple covered in gooey caramel and chopped up peanuts and then speared with a stick for easy eating. Woe is me.
So ends my terrible day... with my delicious caramel apples covered in dog hair and bits of carpet fuzz. Fitting. I don't even know why today has been so bad, really, not that that makes one bit of difference. I'm tired, even though I got enough sleep. I've been sort of dazed and unfocused all day, especially while driving. Things seem skewed, and not just in that emotional way. I made corn muffins, but they came out horribly. They are suitable only for throwing at passers-by. My mother apparently refuses to go grocery shopping, so we have very little Amanda-friendly food in the house. I've had a list posted on the refrigerator for weeks, to no avail. My sculpture for 3D sucks, even though I spent a good bit of time on it. We're doing ink washes again in Drawing tomorrow, and I'm royally inept with a paintbrush. I can't seem to write anything for Creative Writing, even though I can feel ideas bubbling just below the surface. Time keeps moving too quickly for me to get things done or have any sort of free time. I have to decide what I'm doing about school like NOW, as registration for Spring classes begins in under two weeks. Nothing is going right. Everything makes me tear up. I am the broken and hollow shambles of a girl who used to enjoy things.
And it's not because I have The Big Issues, of The Big Problems. I don't have big problems. My problems are tiny compared to the state of the world. But the thing is, my problems are MINE. And so they feel substantial to me, regardless of whether or not they actually are. I don't know what to do with myself, and no one is stepping up to help me decide. No one will give me advice. I ask my parents and they tell me to do whatever will make me happy. I ask Adam and he tells me to do whatever will make me happy. It's a lovely sentiment, but I don't know what will Make Me Happy, and therein lies the problem. If I knew, I wouldn't be asking for advice. If I knew, I wouldn't be ranting in my online diary about how I don't know. If I knew, I would be out doing it. But I don't, so I ask, and I rant... but I can't do. And as a result, I spend every waking moment feeling incredibly lost. And confused. And unfulfilled. And pathetic.
It's 12:40 in the morning now. I need to go to bed. And I do actually want to go to bed, which is some kind of miraculous event to be memorialized on bronze lapel pins and celebrated every October 22nd with lots of cake and very long naps. And non-fuzzy caramel apples. And candles that smell like apple pie and gingerbread. It will be known as The Festival of Voluntary Sleep, snd it will be fabulous.
back & forth
Wait, there's more!
I like pina coladas - March 30, 2005
must... finish... projects... - March 22, 2005
Mr. Postman delivers the good stuff - March 18, 2005
when everything is bad - March 16, 2005
of fruits and menstruation - March 15, 2005