November 03, 2002 :: 6:12 p.m.
the sound that makes the world go round
Hrm. I don't even really know where to start this... I don't know what to include. Last night, you see, was quite a night. And by "quite a night," I do not mean a night of fun and laughter and painting the town any shade of red. I mean a night of crying and screaming and overall badness. Some good did come of it, though - Adam and I did quite a bit of talking. The funny thing is that the whole ordeal didn't start with us.
My dad called me around 8 or 9, because I had called home earlier to ask him something but he wasn't there. I confirmed the fact that he would indeed be home this afternoon, so that I could visit and give him his birthday present and stuff. Well, that was fine. Then he just starting talking, about my mom and about how things have been, and he just wouldn't stop. He was telling me that she's never coming back, that it's over for good, that I'm not going to have a family anymore, that she cheated on him, that she has always just been using him, that he's not going to wait around for her and if she decided she wants back in the relationship, he may not take her... and he asked me what I thought, and if she has has said anything to me, as I stood there and bawled into the phone because I was (and still am) not ready to hear these things. I asked him to stop, told him that I had to go, but he just kept talking... telling me that he's talked to all of his other kids, and that I have to be adult about this.
How the fuck am I supposed to be adult about this? I'm not an adult! I'm 19 years old, not 30. I don't have kids and a job and a house like all of his other kids. And all that aside, how can he even compare what his other kids (meaning my older half-siblings) would think of this to what I would think? It's not their family falling the fuck apart, is it? No, it's not. It's mine. It's my family falling apart, and I can't be an adult because I'm not an adult. I'm a sad, confused, scared little girl who has no idea how to handle this. I do not need to hear all of this yet; I can't hear it yet. But he didn't want to believe that, so he just kept talking. And I, being pretty fucking unstable under normal circumstances, lost it.
I ripped the big blinds, metal rod part and all, off of my widow with one hand. They're sort of crumpled now, but back up. I hung up on my dad and threw the phone at the cinderblock walls. It's fixed now. I was crying so hard that I could hardly feel anything... if Adam hadn't been here, I don't know what I would have done. As it is, the right side of my face looks like it was mauled by a tiger. I bought concealer and powder and junk this afternoon to try and cover it up, but it's too red. My dad didn't notice, though, probably because he's been drinking all week.
Adam and I were up until half past one last night, crying and talking. I guess that as horrid as the evening was, it made us talk, so it was worth something. I'm really glad he was here... he's been incredible throughout this whole ordeal, and I'm so thankful for it.
So... this has been depressing thus far, eh? My apologies. It's just that it's hard to be cheery when things sort of suck. I should look on the bright side of things, I suppose. Make a list of happy things. Hrm. Next entry: 100 Things That Make Me Happy.
Until then, cheers.
back & forth
Wait, there's more!
I like pina coladas - March 30, 2005
must... finish... projects... - March 22, 2005
Mr. Postman delivers the good stuff - March 18, 2005
when everything is bad - March 16, 2005
of fruits and menstruation - March 15, 2005