December 08, 2001 :: 8:28 p.m.
putting the damage on
I hadn't planned on updating this today, because I thought I'd still be with Adam... but unfortunately here I am.
I went up last night, and we saw Harry Potter (again - 4th time for me) and basically had a wonderful time just being together. He had to work this morning, but when he got back we hopped right into bed again and stayed there until about 5:00. He told me that his roommate isn't going to be there until Wednesday, and I got all giddy because I thought that I'd actually get to be with him for two whole days. I really should know by now that getting my hopes up is a bad idea, though. He has a lot of studying to do for finals and things, so it was home again, home again for me. Logically, I understand that he needs to study and that it's nothing personal. But logic has never been my strong-point, you see. By the time I left there I was emotionally devastated, and my condition hasn't improved since.
I don't know what upsets me more, the fact that my hopes were dashed or the thought that maybe, on some subconscious level, he didn't want me to be there. Once again, as I think about this logically, I realize that I'm being stupid and petty and completely insensitive. His finals are coming up and he's got a shitload of work to do; the time that he did spend with me could have been spent doing something much more productive. Unfortunately in matters like this - in all matters, actually - my heart outweighs my head and everything that makes sense suddenly seems unimportant. My paranoia gives way to irrational suspicions, and I end up upset or dissapointed or angry over things that were never even part of the real situation.
Stupid emotions. I'm going to make cookies.
-Amanda
back & forth
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