January 13, 2002 :: 12:37 p.m.
there is no hope for the flowers
Orange County was fun. After that we drove up to the top of Lamb's Gap Road and sat for a while. I basically bawled my eyes out for three hours while Adam told me that everything will be okay, that I'm not a complete lunatic for getting so hysterical, and that he loves me. All of which actually just made me cry harder, but I love him all the more for trying. I talked to him for a little while this morning, but I won't get to see him before he leaves. That upsets me a lot, but there's nothing I can do about it, unfortunately. I could have gone with them to move into his new room and everything, but to be perfectly honest I think it would have made me want to kill myself. It did last time. Moving him into his dorm in August made me want to die. And I'd have to ride back with one of his parents, which would be a bad deal. I'm in no real hurry to let his parents see me in my present state of being.
I look Asian. My face is all puffed up from crying, so my eyes look small. It's weird. I look stupid when I cry, which isn't so good because I cry all the time. I seriously feel like someone attacked me with a baseball bat. I feel beaten, and weak, and tired. I feel like all the strength has been drained out of my body. Logically, I feel like I should take a shower, or at least brush my teeth. Right now logic means even less to me than it usually does, though, so I really don't see the point of making myself presentable when I'm not going to see the only person I care about impressing. Odds are that I'll stay in my pajamas all day. I don't even feel like eating. I don't want to eat. Eating is something that I take comfort in, something that makes me feel better, something that I do when I'm angry or sad or depressed. I guess I'm so far beyond comfort at this point that it would be of no use. The thought of putting food in my mouth makes me want to retch.
I wish I had a book to read. I need some distraction. I want to paint, but I'm no good at that. I suppose it doesn't matter too much, since no one has to see it. I want to put what I'm feeling on paper, but the only paints I have are watercolors, and they're too happy. I need some fucking oils or something. I need some darkness and some depth. I feel like finger painting with oils. I've done it before, on a sculpture that I did in high school. It was a bitch to get off my hands, but it was good. I want to do it again. Unfortunately I don't own oil paints, I have no money, and I don't feel like going anywhere. So, for lack of something better to do, I'm going back to bed. Ta ta.
back & forth
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