December 01, 2001 :: 11:50 p.m.
killing me softly
listening to... nothing.
reading... X20, by Richard Beard.
feeling... lonely.
Adam just left. I'm always in such a foul state after that. I hate how things are right now - being away from him kills me. I never thought I'd love someone so much that it hurts, but honestly, I do. I know it could be much, much worse; I should just be grateful that it's only an hour between us and not days or states. But I keep remembering how things used to be, before he went to school. We saw each other almost every day, and I realize now how much I took that for granted. These days I see him on the weekends, and that's about it. The time we get to spend together is wonderful, but it's not enough. I spend the last hour or so of each visit thinking about how long it'll be 'til I see him again - then we say our goodbyes, and I usually just lose it. Emotionally, that is. I don't know if I've ever come right out and mentioned that I'm not a very emotionally stable person, but it should be becoming quite obvious. Especially when it comes to my relationship. It's the one area of my life where logic doesn't apply, head and heart constantly battle, and no matter how perfect things seem, my paranoia is always working overtime.
You know... I've completely lost my train of thought. Whoosh, there it went, flying right on by. Dammit. You get the idea, though. And if not, I'm sure I'll get into it again sometime soon.
So the SAT is over and done with. It went all right, I guess. I mean, I don't know for sure or anything, but I think I did okay. Of course, usually when things seem to go well on a test that means that I didn't do anything right. *sigh* We'll see. I'm just glad it's over.
I was supposed to go visit Temple University tomorrow, with Amanda... but instead I get to start work! *groan* I hate that place already and I've never even been there. I just have the feeling that I'm not going to like it at all. It's weird and kind of dirty and the people who work there are scary. Adam told me that if I was so opposed to it already, I should just tell them I've reconsidered and start looking for someplace else. Nice idea, really, but not logical. Christmas is coming, and thus I am going to need a lot of money that I currently don't have. Like it or not, I need to work at this place until I can find somewhere better. Blah. Stupid fucking world and it's monetary system.
On a happier note, we made really good cookies tonight. Mmm. Cookies.
-Amanda
back & forth
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